I came to a realization about myself this morning. I already knew that I despise confrontation - what I didn't really understand until today was why.
This morning I was thinking through a completely unrelated issue, having to do with our finances... I got off on a tangent thinking about my former roommate, who was a good friend of mine, and who never paid me her rent on time. At one point she admitted to me that she used to wait to see how long it would take me to ask her for it. The problem was that I was figuring she knew she owed me rent, and I shouldn't have to ask for it... and if I was going to ask for it, I felt like I had to prepare myself for a confrontation.
You see, I have a pretty fertile imagination, especially when it comes to imagining conversations with other people. I suppose I should make use of that imagination, maybe scriptwriting or something. But nonetheless, what happens when I contemplate confronting someone usually goes like this:
I imagine approaching the person with a simple request... they refuse to comply. What do I do then? Do I insist? What if it turns into a big disagreement? I'm pretty stubborn when it comes down to it - what if we both dig in our heels and refuse to budge? Worst case scenario, is this issue important enough to me to risk losing this relationship?
Every confrontation, no matter how small it seems to be, gets built up in my mind as a potential deal-breaker. Do I want to lose a friend and roommate over whose responsibility it is to clean the cat box? Am I prepared to find another job if I approach my boss about an assignment I don't want or don't think I should have to do? Is closing the shower curtain really important enough to risk having a huge fight with my Hubby-head? (I'm not over-dramatic enough to think that fighting over the shower curtain would seriously break up my marriage... but a lot of couples do wind up breaking up because they start fighting over every little thing - the sour feelings accumulate to the breaking point - and why start having those sorts of fights if I can avoid it by avoiding confrontation?)
So I let a lot of things slide that maybe I should confront, because I'm frankly afraid of the worst case scenario that probably would never happen. Thankfully, I'm not the sort to store up hard feelings and hold a grudge over something I never tried to resolve. Perhaps I get walked over sometimes because of that. Perhaps my life is even more difficult because of it.
How did I get so fearful of confrontation? Is it inborn in my personality? Do I need extensive therapy? Can I change - or do I need to? (Why am I asking you? *wink*)
I don't know. But it was on my mind, so I thought I'd share... Is anyone else out there a non-confrontational type? Why do you think you feel that way?