Musings... On Being Non-Confrontational

I came to a realization about myself this morning.  I already knew that I despise confrontation - what I didn't really understand until today was why.

This morning I was thinking through a completely unrelated issue, having to do with our finances... I got off on a tangent thinking about my former roommate, who was a good friend of mine, and who never paid me her rent on time.  At one point she admitted to me that she used to wait to see how long it would take me to ask her for it.  The problem was that I was figuring she knew she owed me rent, and I shouldn't have to ask for it... and if I was going to ask for it, I felt like I had to prepare myself for a confrontation.

You see, I have a pretty fertile imagination, especially when it comes to imagining conversations with other people.  I suppose I should make use of that imagination, maybe scriptwriting or something.  But nonetheless, what happens when I contemplate confronting someone usually goes like this:

I imagine approaching the person with a simple request... they refuse to comply.  What do I do then?  Do I insist?  What if it turns into a big disagreement?  I'm pretty stubborn when it comes down to it - what if we both dig in our heels and refuse to budge?  Worst case scenario, is this issue important enough to me to risk losing this relationship?

Every confrontation, no matter how small it seems to be, gets built up in my mind as a potential deal-breaker.  Do I want to lose a friend and roommate over whose responsibility it is to clean the cat box?  Am I prepared to find another job if I approach my boss about an assignment I don't want or don't think I should have to do?  Is closing the shower curtain really important enough to risk having a huge fight with my Hubby-head?  (I'm not over-dramatic enough to think that fighting over the shower curtain would seriously break up my marriage... but a lot of couples do wind up breaking up because they start fighting over every little thing - the sour feelings accumulate to the breaking point - and why start having those sorts of fights if I can avoid it by avoiding confrontation?)

So I let a lot of things slide that maybe I should confront, because I'm frankly afraid of the worst case scenario that probably would never happen.  Thankfully, I'm not the sort to store up hard feelings and hold a grudge over something I never tried to resolve.  Perhaps I get walked over sometimes because of that.  Perhaps my life is even more difficult because of it.

How did I get so fearful of confrontation?  Is it inborn in my personality?  Do I need extensive therapy?  Can I change - or do I need to?  (Why am I asking you? *wink*)

I don't know.  But it was on my mind, so I thought I'd share... Is anyone else out there a non-confrontational type?  Why do you think you feel that way?

Comments

[(...ed.)]

Typically, those that are non-confrontational learned it as children. I highly recommend a book called Self Esteem by Matthew McCay, Ph.D., and Patrick Fanning, M.A. While you may not (or may though I doubt it) have any self esteem issues, there are parts of the book that talk about how we see ourselves based on what we learned as children. There is also a section on the "critic" which we use to have those imaginary conversations with ourselves. As a psychotherapist with I have recommended this book hundreds and hundreds of times and read it my self on occasion.

[Ith]

That post could have been written by me! I do understand :)

[TNT]

I'm definitely "non-confrontational". I was going to say I didn't know why, until I read your previous comment here.

I guess one good reason would be my mother. She refused to address any issues when I was growing up. If she was angry with me, I couldn't talk to her about it. She would just refuse to speak to me and walk away if I tried to talk to her about it.

When I was a little older, I could see lots of issues she would just ignore. Completely refuse to deal with like they weren't there (i.e. insurance upon death, her divorce from my father, etc.) BIG issues.

So I'll blame my mom. Isn't that what parents are there for? :)

[Helen]

My housemate is completely non-confrontational and it is driving me nuts. He constantly says "I going to tell this person....etc" but he never follows through with these big statements.

[Anthony]

This one is really weird but here goes. A girl I liked alot stopped calling me. I kept calling but never got through. After a year she called me. I asked her what happened. She apparently thought I was Gay. I asked her what would make her think that and she told me it was because I was non-confrontational. At every situation I would avoid an argument or avoid people that I respected a great deal like my family because of the amount of control they had over me. Now I am not gay or metro-sexual. But what does being non-confrontational have to do with weather a person is gay or straight???

[Ratus]

I would say that being non-confrontational is somewhat associated with being "weak" or a doormat and, by extension, the cliché of being "gay" or effeminate. I agree that making this association is foolish but that's the way the society see it.
I am also personally averse to confrontation, and when a conflict arise I have the tendency to avoid it or to be too mild in my reproaches. That's strange because I do not suffer from any low self-esteem issue and have no trouble leaving people if they are abusing (but the key word here is "leaving" - a way to avoid confrontation - ). So, I wonder what's the origin of being non-confrontational. Maybe, indeed, being with parents who are overprotecting, but this is, in my mind, only one piece of the puzzle. Other factors like social situation, emotional sensitivity, past experiences, self-esteem issue (thought not every non-confrontational individuals will suffer of it) or even genetics may also playing a role.

[Dave]

Do not confuse "confrontation" with being "accountable." The landlord was not "accountable" if he did not establish guidelines for payment and did not follow through on retrieving them incrementally per the agreement. However,if he were to get in the tenant's face in an insensitive and disrespectful manner, that would be "confrontational." If the tenant received guidelines for payment and deliberately waited, that is nonconformity, a form of "confrontation." The landlord must have the tenant agree to the guidelines that the rent would increase a percentage upon late payment. Otherwise he is setting himself up for possible future "confrontation" over a vague agreement. There should be no margin for "confrontation" when guidelines for payment are in place. Unless however the tenant was the landlords relative. Family ties can often lead to feelings of "entitlement." "Entitlement" is the condition free spin card that trumps everything. If you do not believe it, try being accountable or non-confrontational with a narcissist. Next week we'll discuss litigation and eviction. Confrontation is aggressive behavior, and business is business. And kids and adults are happiest when they are informed and know their limits.

[Blake Hrabal]

Ok >.> so whats the solutions to this. I've read everyones comments and what they said. And I am exactly the same way u can sum me up with non-confrontational. I have terrible communication skills. Don't get me wrong, I have game with the ladies, i'm a great father/guy/husband (always room for improvement). I'm not a little dude, I will do some damage if someone steps up to me physically. But when it comes to fighting with words which is how I'd rather do things than punch someone cuz i'm not violent at all...I feel like a weak boy...a little boy. I run away from all confrontation. I give people the silent treatment because I just don't know what to say and how to confront a situatino and continue to dish it out if you will. SO after hearing all these stories......WHATS THE SOLUTION on how to be more confrontational, because I would love to be that guy who gets his burger messed up 3 times a Mc Donalds and gets pissed at the managers...instead, by the 3rd time I walk away and say.... w/e screw it.