I probably should have written this earlier in the week - my mom tells me that many of her church members visit my blog regularly to see what's going on with me these days, as her church family had gotten to know us on our visits and were very involved in praying for Jason during those days in the hospital, and praying for me in the weeks since. I'll be seeing many of them in a few weeks, as I'm planning a trip in mid-September for the dedication of a memorial garden they're installing at their church. Hopefully I can remember to procure a working digital camera for the occasion so I'll have pictures to share.
First of all, on the work (ACK!) front... After my tearful post on Monday's disappointment, I was steeling myself to make the call to my contractor friend who had offered to call her contacts and basically find me a job... although with some dread, because as I mentioned before, this is a big enough adjustment for me without having to set myself in the midst of strangers on a daily basis and learn a new set of responsibilities. I knew she had a meeting on Tuesday afternoons, and was thinking I'd best make that call if I didn't want to catch her at a bad time, when suddenly it was like a voice in my head said "Hold off.... wait."
And of course I figured that as my procrastinating nature, giving me the advice I particularly wanted to hear so I could allow myself to put off making that call. But I got distracted with something else for a while, then realized that it was too late to call her until after her meeting, and before I had a chance to get around to it later, my phone rang.
Apparently FormerBossMan and BossLadyK had their own talk about the situation on Tuesday, and FormerBossMan decided to try to arrange some things and scare up enough work (and funding) to find a place for me after all. He had a few people to talk to, he said, and asked me to give him a few days and he'd get back with me. I expect to hear from him any day now, although if he's up to what I think he's up to, there will probably be multiple levels of bureaucracy to go through and it might take until later next week to hear back.
In any event, Tuesday night was much happier for me than Monday night, and Wednesday morning I even managed to preoccupy myself enough in the shower with other thoughts so that I managed not to break down in tears for once.
In fact, Wednesday all day felt pretty good. I felt like I was starting to get through a lot of the grief, and even was a bit shocked at the fact that I was able to think of him with a smile and without tearing up. I knew it would happen eventually, but I figured it would take longer to get to that point.
I have been puttering around the house trying to get a few things accomplished here and there... Wednesday night I was feeling a bit restless, and finally decided to watch a movie and maybe try to get some more work done on the afghan I'm crocheting for my friend Simone.
After discussing it quite a lot during the last two weeks my best friend and my nephew were with me, I decided watching the first "Lord of the Rings" movie would be in order. I also decided I was feeling a bit peckish, so I went to make some popcorn... and then it hit me.
This was the first time I'd watched a movie alone in I-don't-know-how-long. Certainly over 7 years. Probably longer, because I can't recall watching movies too often without my roommate during the 3 years before I got married. I think that last year before Jason and I got together, I may have gone to the theater once to see a movie by myself - I was making a concerted effort to not feel like I had to invite a friend to EVERYTHING and had even taken in a couple of baseball games solo after I realized I was spending a lot of extra money buying two tickets to everything just so I wouldn't have to go alone.
But yeah, I was making popcorn for one. I was settling down alone on the couch to watch a movie, alone. And while I couldn't think of a single person who I'd call to come over and watch the movie with me right then (especially at 10:00 PM on a Wednesday night), the fact was that it wasn't me being alone that was the problem. It was that Jason wasn't going to be there, sharing my popcorn, snuggling up close and watching it with me.
And then, standing in the kitchen, looking at the photos of us hanging on the refrigerator door, I had to weep again, for all the things we will never do together again.
Miss you baby...