News from the Great Beyond

Subtraction

People have told me that they love having me around, because Hubby and I were so much a part of each other that when I'm there, it's like part of him is there too.  I carry him with me, and they find it comforting.

A pity that there is nobody like that for me.

We wrote our own wedding vows, which culminated in the sentence "We are one."  Poetic minds have often mused on the mathematical fact that in marriage, one plus one equals one.

What is one minus one?

Some Friendly Advice for the Checkout Girl at Fry's

I can totally understand your anger at the lady who reported you to your manager and got you a written warning for standing around chattering with your coworkers while she was in your checkout line.

However, the fact that you spent the entire time I was in the line grousing at the bagger about your disciplinary action was completely unprofessional.  Save it for the break room, sweetie.

And when you threatened to "remember who I was" if you got reported again for talking about it?  That was over the top.  I was serious that I wasn't planning to report you because I had frozen food to get home.  But at some point you will need to learn the basics of good customer service and professionalism in the work place if you intend to keep working with the public.

That is all.

Ashes to the Ocean

After mentioning it in the poem, I'd meant to elaborate a little on my thoughts the day I took Hubby-head's ashes to release them into the Pacific... but then other things were on my mind, and it didn't really seem like the time to bring it back up again until now - for two reasons.

First, it's fresh in my memory today after a conversation I had with my pastor's wife yesterday.  We were discussing the memorial garden my mom's church is creating for Jason, and she asked whether I still had his ashes, thinking that would be a good place to bury them.  When I explained what I'd done, she mentioned that she'd had her mother cremated when she passed away several years ago, and picked out a lovely decorative box for them.  Her father recently suggested that she and her husband take the ashes with them on their next trip to Israel, as he thought his late wife would have appreciated the idea of being scattered in the Holy Land, or perhaps at the World Prayer Center in Colorado as she was an intercessor. 

In either event, she said she would have a very hard time forcing herself to scatter her mother's ashes, even after several years... and I can see that.  It was quite difficult for me as well, but I wanted to perform the task while I had my best friend with me for support, and our most recent trip to LA was the perfect time.

The other reason it's on my mind is my previous post about the Narnia Chronicles.   While I  do love the rich symbolism in "The Last Battle", my absolute favorite of the Chronicles is "The Voyage of the Dawn Treader" (and the movie is next up - I can't wait!).  For those who haven't read the book, I hope I don't give away too much information when I explain the relevance.

Narnia in Song

Another recurring discussion (in addition to Lord of the Rings) we had while Cherry and Noah were here was about the Chronicles of Narnia.  Whenever a movie based on a book is available, Cherry and her husband want Noah to read the book before he sees the movie, just so he'll have a clear imagination to see the story in his head as he reads without the director's vision of the characters and the action.  Most of the time when I compare any book and the movie based on the book, the book is the clear winner, anyway, even if the movie is good.

So having seen Prince Caspian, Noah was itching to re-read the book, and plow through some of the other Chronicles so he'd be ready for the movies as they are released.  I dug up my boxed set of the Chronicles so Noah could read them, and then decided to read them again myself - the stories are simple enough for children, but rich in symbolism and wisdom and worth re-reading often.  I read all of them while Cherry and Noah were visiting except for "The Last Battle", and last night I decided to pick it up after I finished another book I'd been reading.

The book reminded me, as it always does every time I've read it since the early 90's, of a song by Jacob's Trouble, which was based on the book... so this morning I had to look the song up on the web and see if I could find the lyrics, or a video, or something.  What I found was pretty cool - a blog by Jerry Davison, one of the members of Jacob's Trouble, and the writer of the song "Further Up and Further In", writing about his inspiration and thoughts about the song.

I also found a YouTube video of some guy covering the song (who it is I don't know, although Jerry Davison left a comment on the YouTube page for the video with compliments) - here for your enjoyment:

Belated Updates

I probably should have written this earlier in the week - my mom tells me that many of her church members visit my blog regularly to see what's going on with me these days, as her church family had gotten to know us on our visits and were very involved in praying for Jason during those days in the hospital, and praying for me in the weeks since.  I'll be seeing many of them in a few weeks, as I'm planning a trip in mid-September for the dedication of a memorial garden they're installing at their church.  Hopefully I can remember to procure a working digital camera for the occasion so I'll have pictures to share.

First of all, on the work (ACK!) front...  After my tearful post on Monday's disappointment, I was steeling myself to make the call to my contractor friend who had offered to call her contacts and basically find me a job... although with some dread, because as I mentioned before, this is a big enough adjustment for me without having to set myself in the midst of strangers on a daily basis and learn a new set of responsibilities.   I knew she had a meeting on Tuesday afternoons, and was thinking I'd best make that call if I didn't want to catch her at a bad time, when suddenly it was like a voice in my head said "Hold off.... wait."

And of course I figured that as my procrastinating nature, giving me the advice I particularly wanted to hear so I could allow myself to put off making that call.  But I got distracted with something else for a while, then realized that it was too late to call her until after her meeting, and before I had a chance to get around to it later, my phone rang.

Apparently FormerBossMan and BossLadyK had their own talk about the situation on Tuesday, and FormerBossMan decided to try to arrange some things and scare up enough work (and funding) to find a place for me after all.  He had a few people to talk to, he said, and asked me to give him a few days and he'd get back with me.  I expect to hear from him any day now, although if he's up to what I think he's up to, there will probably be multiple levels of bureaucracy to go through and it might take until later next week to hear back.

In any event, Tuesday night was much happier for me than Monday night, and Wednesday morning I even managed to preoccupy myself enough in the shower with other thoughts so that I managed not to break down in tears for once.

Return of the Work (ACK!) Category

One thing I loved about my Hubby-head was the fact that he was perfectly content to have me not working full-time, even though we didn't have kids yet and I didn't necessarily do as much productive stuff with my time at home as I intended to.  He didn't expect me to have dinner ready when he got home every night or have the laundry done or the house sparkling clean... he was just happy to have me there waiting for him, and to be able to chat with me throughout the day on Yahoo messenger or something.

I stopped working full time 2-1/2 years ago, partially because we were trying to have a baby, but also mostly because I'd come to the conclusion that working full time just didn't suit me.  I'd sit there at the office getting things accomplished, but coming up with tons of ideas of things I would rather be doing if I was at home, and by the time I got home I didn't have the energy (physical or mental) to do them.

Our finances allowed for me not to work, although I was asked to do some contract work part time for FormerBossMan and his business partner, working maybe 25-30 hours a month at a nice hefty hourly rate.  I liked it that way... but unfortunately one of the major effects of Hubby's death is that I'm going to have to return to working full time. 

In addition to grieving for the loss of my husband, the children we were planning to have, the dreams we shared, and a cat I've loved for 13 years, I'll be grieving the loss of the freedom I had.  It may not sound like a major thing to those of you who enjoy having a career, or who have always had to work full time, but this is just one more major adjustment to make, piled on top of everything else, and it's difficult for me to deal with right now.

How long has it been?

You who've been reading me for a while know I can't resist taking these silly Internet quizzes... and Caltechgirl has provided me with one today just when I needed a diversion.

You Are Softball

While you do like competing, you like cooperating even more. You find working with a group to be much more invigorating than going solo. You are a true team player. You like contributing to the win!

What Olympic Sport Are You?

Blame Caltechgirl.  Really. :)

Gone

Last night I prayed for my cat.  If she was going to leave me, I prayed that she would go peacefully in her sleep, that God would show mercy to both of us.  She had deteriorated further by the time I went to bed - she was very weak, and even the effort of walking a few steps and yelling at her rival BoyCat when he jumped on the bed seemed to exhaust her.

I fell asleep with her lying on the pillows to my right, although at some point I felt her stumbling across me in an effort to get off the bed, and at least once I heard her meowing a bit somewhere off to my left.

When I awoke this morning I looked for her, and found her stiff, cold and lifeless, lying mostly between my nightstand and the bed.... gone.

My best feline friend, my constant companion for the last 13 years... now in heaven with the love of my life, my other constant companion for the last 7 years.

Might I again repeat the refrain?  "This sucks."

Concern

I've spoken before about my family of cats here, including the Grand Duchess herself, Anastasia (more frequently called Stasia, or various other cutesy nicknames based on her tiny size and exotic beauty)... there's even a picture of The Tiny One herself embedded in this post.

She's certainly become more eccentric in recent years, as I've detailed in previous posts.  I found the paperwork the other day when going through my filing drawers and realized that she's now a little over 13 years old, and for what must have been the runt of the litter 13 years ago, she's had a long life (including motherhood). 

The last week or so, though, I'm starting to worry about her a bit.  She's not behaving like herself.  I've been through the process of losing a pet to illness before - 13 years ago, in fact, I adopted Stasia the day after my beloved George passed away - and I've seen how expensive vet bills can be.  I'm not planning to take her to the vet, unless her behavior begins to translate into messes I can't deal with. 

I can handle cleaning up the carpet on my side of the bed, where she seems to cough up a hairball or throw up a little bit nearly every day.  She did it at least once a week for the last several years anyway, and that's why I have a carpet steamer.

A week or so ago, she started meowing a lot, for apparently no reason, quite piteously.  After a day or two of that, she seemed to go back to normal but has been quite insistent about getting her canned food, and wanting it multiple times a day.  At first I refused, but after watching her try to eat the dry food yesterday, it occurred to me that she's getting quite a lot older, and her little teeth and jaws might not be able to handle the dry food very well. 

I've started giving her two of the small cans of Fancy Feast now, but today she barely touched it, and
has been drinking a lot of water, lying around and then suddenly starting her raspy, worrisome cries again.  When she walks, she seems to be unsteady on her feet.  She went into the bathroom with me earlier and lay down in the litter box (which is someplace she's tried to avoid for the last year or two because Bagheera likes to try to trap her inside it, resulting in a small litter box in my closet for her use when she's scared). 

She's still lying in the litter box, a bit of litter stuck to her nose, blinking at me when i try to talk to her.  So yes, I'm concerned.

I'm concerned she may be in pain - she's been so thin and bony for years now, it's hard to tell if she's lost weight but it seems she may have.  Perhaps losing Jason has taken its toll on her too, although if any of the cats would be inconsolable at losing their kitty-daddy it would be Kate, she joined our family while Hubby was out of work and bonded with him during the hours he was the only one home with her.

In any event, there's this nagging little voice in my head telling me that I'm about to lose Stasia, perhaps she has some sort of cancer eating at her.  If she is in pain, I'm sure it would be better to take her to the vet (although the last thing i want is to spend hundreds of dollars on vet bills just to find out what's wrong with her >.<).  I'm just... not ready to have them tell me it would be merciful to put her to sleep.

God, I'm so not ready for that.  I've had to make what boils down to pretty much that exact decision - with far more wrenching consequences - already in the recent past, and I can't face doing it again to my sweet little cat who used to comfort me in the years before I met Hubby-head.  She would get in my face and lick the tears from my eyelashes when I was crying in my loneliness and heartbreak.

Ah, there go the tears again.  At least she came out of the litter box while I was sitting on the bathroom floor sobbing.   

Oh please, God.  Not this... not now. 

I try not to do this too often...

But again, I was checking my Sitemeter referrals, and I just had to say something.

First off, I've noticed a lot of links coming through from sites I've never before visited, probably thanks to Jared of the Thinklings requesting prayer for me (and thank you very much dear sir...).  For new visitors, welcome, you've come at a very difficult time for me and the blog, it's just not normal around here.  I stopped blogging for a couple of years, really, because I didn't have much to say, but a month ago everything changed in my life and now there's a lot on my mind, although certainly not the kind of things I wrote about before.  Life changes, for better or for worse, and we change with it or we get broken down by it.  I'm not one to give in to despair so I guess I'm growing with these changes, but it's early days yet and there is still more weeping to be done.

All that said, there's a time to weep and a time to laugh, and I just had to scratch my head and laugh at one of the referrals I discovered in my logs today:  someone came to this post by doing a Google search for the words "Amy Grant body odor".  Truly, what the heck?  >.<