News from the Great Beyond

Everything That's On My Mind... Newbies and Warm Fuzzies Edition

Right off the bat, let me laugh at my last post when I declared that I'd short circuit the procrastination cycle... while I did procrastinate less on the planning process for my weekly Word blog post, and with my melatonin regimen resumed got back to a normal sleep pattern, astute readers will probably note that I managed not to write my post here at all last week. 

Well, I can't just go cold turkey on the procrastination thing, right?

Anyway, as a result today I have a two-for-one special on links to my Word shared blog contributions:

First up is from Sunday, 2/12, in which I compare and contrast the parting of the Red Sea and the Garden of Gesthemane scene in Matthew.  Ummm... yeah, you'll have to read it to get the picture.  It looks something like this, though:

Click here for Day #43 - Grand Gestures and Silent Suffering

Second is today's post, in which I discuss the consecration of the priesthood in Exodus, how married couples end up ignoring one another, self-righteous religious folk, and Jesus' scandalous behavior in the book of Mark.  I also use the dreaded term "paradigm shift".

Click here for Day #50 - The Letter of the Law

As mentioned here, I've gotten rather involved in playing online mafia.  By that, I do not mean anything like Mafia Wars on Facebook.  This is more of a game of interpreting others' behavior, as well as plotting and manipulation, and I've found it to be thoroughy entertaining.  Here's a flash tutorial on the basic concept, for those who haven't heard of it.

I just finished my first full game a few days ago, and it turns out I've got something of a natural aptitude, which... strangely enough, worked against me.  I made it clear at the outset of the game that I was very new at it, so as to keep expectations low and keep me from feeling utterly self-conscious if I flubbed up or didn't measure up to the standards of the more experienced players.  However, I apparently did so well at my analysis of the other players' actions that they quickly became suspicious that someone was coaching me on what to say... and that would mean I was mafia, if I was able to communicate outside the game thread with someone else giving me suggestions.

It made me laugh, because it was so utterly untrue, at least in one way.  I actually was part of the mafia team, but my teammates provided me next to no help whatsoever.  Two of my three teammates were killed during the first two day phases, and on the third day, there was a sudden rush of people calling for me to be lynched, because they just couldn't believe I was this good at the game as a newbie.

Well, they were right to lynch me, it was just the wrong reason. ;)

This game was themed, and as it was based on something I was not horribly familiar with (the X-men movies), I felt like I was missing out on some of the more subtle hints people were dropping about their characters.  One of the players in that game is set to moderate his own game soon, which will be themed around the TV show Firefly, which I've also never watched.  Lucky for me Amazon Prime members can watch Firefly on streaming video for free.

Anyway, I'm next up to substitute into a game in progress that's a bit more advanced in its setup, and promises to strain my brain in mutiple ways before it's through.

Speaking of newbies and brain strain (look, Bob, a segue!)...  Friday was my last day on the phones for 6+ weeks as I have been tapped yet again as the Subject Matter Expert (read: assistant to the trainer) in our next new hire class.  I've been trying not to rub salt in the wounds of my overworked and stressed-out coworkers, but it's hard not to be a bit jubilant.  I had such a great time working with the new hire class last September. 

I'll be back to working Monday-Friday 8:00am to 4:30pm, which gives me time to get up at a decent hour and hit the gym before I get ready for work.  Technically I could have been doing that for the last several weeks as well, but after catching the creeping crud that was going around the office, I got out of the habit of forcing myself to get up at oh-dark-thirty to exercise.  One change in routine is sufficient for me to commit to another change in routine.  Plus my Kindle has been missing me lately -- with as many "to be read" paperbacks as I have sitting around the house, I refuse to let myself use the e-reader unless I'm traveling or at the gym.

My blog posts here, with the schedule change, are most likely to happen on Saturdays or Sundays for the next couple of months.  I'm still trying to get in at least one a week here, while sticking to my weekly schedule at the Word blog.  Additional creative writing will eventually be worked into the schedule as the muse strikes.

Thanks for stopping by, leave a comment if you will.  Comments give me the warm fuzzies, and we could all use a few more warm fuzzies in our lives.

Everything That's On My Mind... Obsessions and Questions Edition

Greetings, my fine friends of indubitably discriminating taste.  You are, after all, here to read my blog, and that makes you smarter than the average bear.  Or something...  Well, maybe not.  But thanks for dropping by nonetheless!

Just random things on my mind today, whilst I sit on my afternoon off and do nothing of consequence.  In my defense, I can't do much, I have a kitty sleeping across my left arm.  I do so hate to move the kitty when he's being sweet.

I have mentioned before that I tend to go through phases with my hobbies -- cycles, if you will.  I've just been through a major reading kick, but I've spent less time reading books the last week or two, and more time on my two current time wasters of choice:  Sudoku, and Mafia games.

Other recent time sinks - watching the entire run of Arrested Development on Amazon Instant Video (decided to join Amazon Prime as a trial for now)... and Season 1 of Downton Abbey.  Yes, I missed Arrested Development when it was on the air.   I'm all caught up now.  And Downton Abbey is definitely worth checking out if you haven't, I heard super things about the show, and it lives up to every one of them.  If you can find a way to watch it, I very much recommend it.

I'm also trying to get back to reading more of the blogs that I used to read on a daily basis, but I've lost the habit of checking RSS feeds since Bloglines changed hands and I lost track of my login info.

Recent semi-obsession:  Pinterest. Very useful for keeping track of recipes you want to try, DIY suggestions, craft projects, decorating ideas, etc... with a social network side benefit to allow you to stalk your friends. 

I've been staying up too late the last couple of weeks or so, and not sleeping enough except on my off days... After about 3 years of taking melatonin regularly I ran out of my current supply and decided to see how well I got along without it.  Yeah, not as well as I'd hoped.  I was up all night on Sunday (i.e. after 5 AM Monday), which may be due to drinking half a pot of coffee after lunch, but even without excessive caffeine I've been less able to wind down and call it a night, and decidedly less rested in the morning.  I had to cut my overtime hours on Monday because of the whole zero sleep thing.  I foresee a grocery store run coming up this evening to restock.

Ah, the difficulties of adjusting to a morning person's schedule when you're a definite night person. 

Speaking of things I don't get (see this link for how this connects the dots in my brain), it never ceases to baffle me when people are talking on their cell phone in the restroom at work.  Sure, bring your phone with you and check your voice mail, or text someone if you like.  Nobody else in the bathroom really wants to be forced to listen to your conversation echoing loudly off the tile.  And the person on the other end of the phone doesn't want to hear the toilet flushes and other miscellaneous sounds of restroom usage.  Muting the phone when you're performing your own functions doesn't prevent sound carrying through from everyone else who has the misfortune of being in the room while you're chatting away.  Sheesh.  /end rant

Other things on my mind... Currently in the beginning stages of planning a baby shower for early June with one of my friends (who qualifies as a little sister).  I have web resources and some nebulous ideas swirling about.  Anyone have suggestions on favorite baby shower activities?

I've been tapped as the helper again for our next new hire class starting February 20, so I'll be back to working Monday-Friday, 8:00 AM to 4:30 pm for several weeks.  I had such a great time working with our September class, and while I'll miss my 3-day weekends, the later start time does allow me to sleep an extra hour and still go to the gym, which habit has again fallen by the wayside since I got sick a few weeks ago.  Will have to buy myself a couple of new Kindle books as a bribe to keep me going, as I made a rule that while my paperback to-be-read pile is still towering, I won't let myself use the e-reader at home.  When I have something on the Kindle I'm really interested in, I tend to get on that treadmill much more regularly.  ;)

And, since I've rambled about as much as I can for now, welcome to my new blog theme.  I'm already milling around ideas for the next one.  Feedback always appreciated!

Musings... on Writing Discipline

Oh hi, it's me again... remember, the one who promised back in August that I'd be posting more often?  Yeah, we can see how well that worked.  Promises, promises, eh?

I will say that despite not posting about it, I did work on transcribing more of my poetry to the blog site - I finished all the more recent poetry collection (although I still have to work on getting the songs typed up, and finish the original, older collection while I'm at it).  And then... life happened.

I had a wedding to attend in early September, with bridesmaid duties... and right before I left, I was presented with a can't-miss opportunity at work to assist with our next new hire training class and coordinate their on-the-job training.  This caused my work schedule to shift for 7 weeks, starting the day after I returned from my week long bridesmaid-vacation, and suddenly I no longer had my 3-day weekends to designate a spare day for creativity.  And once I'm out of the habit, it's deadly hard to get me back into it, so going back to my usual work schedule in November, nothing got written.  Discipline has never been my strong suit, apparently.

I have, however, been reading a lot about writing - especially Twitter updates and blog posts from one of my favorite authors, James Scott Bell.  And reading about writing makes me want to write more, I just need something to force me to get started, and keep going.

Enter my mom's church, and their 2012 theme, "Do the Word".  As part of their "Bible-in-a-year" reading plan, there will be daily devotionals on their new church blog, and yours truly has been designated as one of the 7 regular blog contributors.   In fact, I will be writing every Sunday.  Hey wait a minute, New Year's Day is a Sunday this year... You mean I'll be the first one up?  No pressure there, folks!

As a side note, my mom will be one of the featured bloggers as well.  She would never describe herself as such, but my mother is a scholar - I expect some fantastic insights from her, especially regarding the Old Testament readings.

In any event, I'll link to the weekly "Do the Word" posts here as well as on Facebook.  Having a regular audience depending on me for the church blog will keep me accountable to write at least that on a weekly basis, and I refuse to promise too much for additional writing (especially coinsidering how busy work is likely to get after the new year), but once I'm in the groove, you may see more.

A Day in the Life

Due to the wild popularity (snerk) of my 2004 "day in the life" account, I thought it may be interesting to relate what an average day looks like for me right now.   At least, I'll find it interesting.  Perhaps a few of you will be amused or entertained.

4:30 AM:  First alarm goes off.  I reach over to the nightstand and stab the "OK" button on my phone to acknowledge and shut up the obnoxious beeping.  Get up and go to the restroom.  Having not gained full consciousness, I fall back onto the bed and immediately drift off again.

4:50 AM: Second alarm goes off.  Explain to the cell phone alarm just how displeased I am with the fact that I have to wake up when it's still dark.  Sit up in bed and begin stretches.  Stumble around the bedroom in the dark and locate my athletic shoes with socks stuck inside them (easier to do it that way than dig around for socks in the blackness of pre-5 AM with my non-morning-person hazy brain function).  Sit on the bed and put on socks and shoes while continuing to stretch.  Track down location of sports bra and put that on as well.  Whine some more.  Brush teeth, because I cannot stand to leave the house with that morning breath taste in my mouth.

5:05 AM: Grab car keys, phone, purse, and the book du jour (today it was Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood) and get in the car to drive to the gym.  Back out of the garage and hit the garage door remote, which refuses to close the door.  Sigh heavily.  Get out of the car, walk into the garage and punch the wall control for the garage door.  Go into the house through the garage and back out the front door.  Get back in the car and sigh again.

5:07 AM:  Arrive at the intersection of my side street and the major east/west thoroughfare.  Flash high beams at the stoplight to try to trigger it to change.  Pull forward into the crosswalk.  Inch further forward, flashing high beams.  Finally trigger the stupid light change when my front tires are resting on the line at the far side of the crosswalk.

5:12 AM:  Pull up to the gym, a mile from my house. Sigh heavily.  Yawn.  Grab book and purse from the passenger seat, and pop the trunk before locking the car.  Dump purse in trunk.  Go back to car and get the towel from the front seat.  Claim a treadmill and set up the manual program for 20 minutes at a speed and incline that will give me a good heart rate for cardio (the computerized program insists it be able to measure my heart rate by keeping both hands on sensors, which makes it impossible to hold my book... plus it likes to reduce my speed and increase my incline which throws me off my rhythm).  Begin reading the book du jour.  Discover an impending pain in the left calf after 11 minutes and hit the "cooldown" button.  After cooldown, switch to the recumbent bike for 12 minutes.  Use towel to wipe off equipment and dripping forehead.  Return home.

5:50 AM: Park in front of the condo instead of fighting with the garage door opener again.  Round up clothing for the day.  Put athletic shoes with socks stuffed inside for tomorrow back against the closet door to be found in the dark.  Take shower and get ready for work.  Slip cranberry supplements and chromium picolinate in pocket to take with breakfast.  Double check to make sure I opened the chromium bottle and not the melatonin.  Falling asleep at work, not so handy.

6:25 AM:  Leave for work.  Have battle of wills with the stoplight at the intersection near my house again.  Sigh heavily.

This is how I know God likes me. (UPDATED)

So yeah.  Since the last time I posted, I ran out of savings and found a job just in the nick of time (I had $200 that had to last me for 4 weeks before my mom and my grandparents pitched in to make sure I had enough to make it through to my first paycheck)....

After years of having two decent incomes, and then one more-than-sufficient income, and then a big chunk of life insurance to draw from (one year of Hubby-head's salary lasted me almost two years), I'm suddenly having to rearrange my budget around weekly paychecks.   I'd had all my bills scheduled or set to auto-pay from my online bill pay, and rarely needed to worry with changing the payment dates - a few bills I'd have to go in and schedule when to pay them, but most things happened like clockwork without me having to think about it.  It's been... an adjustment.

I'm not quite adjusted yet.  I managed to forget to reschedule my end of the month/first of the month bills to separate weeks, and when I went in yesterday to check on how I was going to arrange my payments with next week's short paycheck (*muttering about "holidays" as a temp*), I realized that I not only had overdrawn my account, I'd managed to have so many things hit at the wrong time that between the actual payments and the overdraft fees, my entire next paycheck is going to be sucked up by the negative balance.  Yay.

So yeah.  I had $4 and some change to live on for the next couple of weeks - thankfully one of those things that pushed my bank balance into the red was buying two weeks worth of groceries, but I did have a few necessities to pick up at the store and I wasn't looking forward to having to bum a ride from one of my coworkers if the gas tank ran too low... that kind of thing.

And then... I remembered the change jar.  Hubby-head's change jar, which was actually a 40 oz container he'd kept from a bulk package of Smart & Final roasted peanuts years ago.  Every night he'd empty his pockets on top of his armoire, or next to the computer, and in the morning he'd pick up the wallet, keys and dollar bills, and leave behind whatever change he'd picked up throughout the day.  We had piles of change all over the place, so I started collecting it on a regular basis and dumping it into the change jar.

Now and then when the budget was tight, I'd dig into the jar and pull out a few dollars worth of quarters to buy lunch or a couple of urgent grocery items.  Most of what was left in the jar looked like pennies and nickels, but I decided to take the jar with me to the grocery store and dump it into one of those Coinstar machines to see what I ended up with. 

Apparently I had over $110.00 in change sitting in my living room - who knew?  After the Coinstar counting fee and buying the stuff I went to the grocery store to get in the first place, I've got $85.00 left to cover me for the next two weeks.  More than enough... and man, do I feel blessed.

So yeah.  God likes me.

UPDATED 7/16!

I take that back... THIS is how I know God likes me! 

Sunday morning I received a text message from one of our outreach coordinators asking if I could stop on the way to church and pick up a case of bottled water to stock up for planned outreach activities... Of course, my phone is set to vibrate and I didn't even hear the text come in, so I picked it up at the tail end of service when I was checking the time on my phone.

After church, I mentioned to him that I just got the message, but I wouldn't have been able to afford to spend money on that for a couple of weeks anyway due to the aforementioned bank balance issues. 

As it turns out, his wife works for my bank.  And as it turns out, I got a text from him later that day asking me to message his wife with my account number, and she could reverse out the overdraft fees for me.

She ended up removing enough fees from my account that I'm back in the black - and yes, I did reschedule my payments appropriately to make sure that didn't happen again.

See?  God likes me.

An End, and a Beginning

Throughout this whole grieving process for me, in the back of my mind there has been a looming dread for one of my dearest friends.

You see, a couple of months before my life suddenly changed, I got an e-mail from my buddy Tom informing us that his seven year old son had been diagnosed with an inoperable brain stem tumor.  Hubby and I were aghast, but we followed the news on their CaringBridge site, and on Tom's personal blog, and we were so impressed with their strength, their maturity and faith. 

I never got to meet their Ian, and that I regret.  I prayed for them and waited with them as they tried an experimental treatment that bought them some time and some hope... and in recent months I've grieved for them as the news came that the tumor was growing again, aggressively, and Ian's time was growing short.

Last night I got a text from Tom that Ian has gone home to be with the Lord.

I don't know how many of my tears today are purely for them, and how many are mixed with my lingering personal grief.  I don't think it necessarily matters.   All in all, when it comes down to it, this sucks for both of us.

There's a song I don't much like, but still I've quoted here before (and I never thought I'd quote it once, ha!) - the relevant lyric today is "Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end."

Time will tell what new beginning comes from this. 

I'll leave this post with a song (a common theme of mine lately)... This one I shamelessly yoinked from my friend Christi's blog.  She posted it in reference to a story she was preparing to tell about a devastating breakup in her past, but it spoke to me in my grief then, and it offers me hope today for all of us. 

I'm Ready Now

Last summer, before... everything changed... Hubby and I were helping teach the middle school/junior high Sunday School class at our church.  We hadn't exactly volunteered for this duty, mind you - the children's ministry was short of volunteers already, and they were starting this new class to give those in between kids a place.  The ones who were too young for the high school youth group, the cool kids, but felt like the elementary school age curriculum was just too childish.  This group needed teachers, and the pastors decided that until more volunteers stepped forward, they would assign couples who were already in leadership or serving in other positions - worship leaders, deacons, ushers, etc. to cover the schedule.

We were somewhat put out that we'd been volunteered, but decided not to kick up a fuss and when we got our first lesson plan, we talked to the group's organizers to see what we were expected to do.  They told us to make it fun for the kids, toss out anything from the lesson plan that seemed too "childish", the lesson plan was to be a source of ideas if we didn't have anything else to work with.   Hubby and I put our heads together and decided that our niche, and the way we felt most comfortable teaching the kids, was acting.  So, we taught them improv comedy, and used improv games to help get the lessons across.  We loved it, and the kids loved it.

Fast forward to a month or two after... everything changed... and I was informed that the age group of the class I was still on the schedule for had been altered.  My junior high kids had been moved up to the Youth Ministry, and instead I'd be in with 4th, 5th and 6th graders. 

I should tell you that I'm not comfortable with most younger kids, especially in groups.  I don't have kids of my own, I was the youngest in our family until I was 21, and I'm not trained as a teacher.  Until my brother had kids - four of them, mind you - I wasn't ever around them - and even then, I was their aunt and occasional babysitter, I wasn't trying to teach them.  I tried to make sure they were fed, didn't kill each other, and went to bed at some point before their parents got home... and even then I was not always successful.  For me, attempting to communicate something to anyone under 12 years old, unless they're a very bright kid (like my nephew Noah), I'm pretty much at a loss.  My vocabulary isn't geared toward an under-8th-grade reading level.  I say things the way I say them, and if someone doesn't understand it the first time, 9 times out of 10 I can't think of another way to say it.  I'm just out of my element with elementary school kids.  Maintaining control and teaching a group of them is out of the question.

A couple of weeks ago our new youth directors - friends of mine from the worship team, who had just started coming to our church last summer when... everything changed... asked me if I'd be willing to help out with the youth.  My fun junior highers, the ones we bonded with, were there, and some of the older kids I'd spent some time with because either they or their parents were on the worship team.  I thought about it, and decided it would be good for me to get involved with these kids - to have someone to care about and maybe even mentor.  Hearing their heart for the youth of our church stirred up some things in me - it reminded me of what it was like to be their age, growing up in church with a handful of serious kids, but a lot of people who went only because their parents made them.  I wanted more than anything to help some of these kids get grounded enough to keep from turning away and leaving the church once they get out of their parents' house. 

Also, they'd asked me to consider heading up a drama team for them, and that sounded particularly fun, if a bit bittersweet.  Hubby would have loved to be part of this, and it breaks my heart that I'm doing it alone.

That said, last night I joined the group for the youth service and started the process of getting to know the rest of the kids.  During praise and worship, I joined in, but also kept my eyes open to see what we were dealing with.  Out of 17 kids, ranging in age from 12 to 18, I saw 5 or 6 who really worshipped, and a few more that knew the songs and sang along, but weren't really paying a lot of attention.

Everything That's On My Mind: Dreams, Hopes and Imagery Edition

OK, so, it's time I was on the road to LA, headed out to see my second mom for Thanksgiving, but I've been slow at getting ready and much of it is because of the things swirling around in my brain, and I figure I'll be less likely to get myself into a car accident if I think it all through and write it down before I hit the road.

I guess I'll start with the shorter subtopics and work my way down to the one I've been thinking about the longest... prepare for a wall of text any which way I go about it.

First, on dreams.  It's been a little over four months now, and it has occurred to me several times over that span that I haven't dreamed about Jason.  At all.  I don't know why that is... it's not like I haven't been sleeping - although up until the other day when I picked up a bottle of Melatonin capsules at the store, it was certainly not on what you'd call a regular pattern - but my dreams have been strangely absent of the man who was such a constant presence in my life for over 8 years.

Monday night I finally dreamed about him.  In this dream, apparently we hadn't decided to have him cremated, and after about two weeks (yeah, my dreams are completely unrealistic like this) the doctors had found a way to revive him and make him all better.  Evidently he was still recuperating from his ordeal and we were staying in someone else's house in separate rooms, but I remember part of the dream where I came into his room and was cuddling next to him and being just amazed and grateful that I had him back.  I was about to ask him if he had any memory of the time when he'd been dead, and what it was like for him to come back...

And then I woke up, with a pounding headache from sleeping with an extra pillow and my neck at a funny angle.  It didn't help any that it was just nearly that time of the month and I was super-emotional anyway.  Yeah, yesterday was a bad day.

Gone

Last night I prayed for my cat.  If she was going to leave me, I prayed that she would go peacefully in her sleep, that God would show mercy to both of us.  She had deteriorated further by the time I went to bed - she was very weak, and even the effort of walking a few steps and yelling at her rival BoyCat when he jumped on the bed seemed to exhaust her.

I fell asleep with her lying on the pillows to my right, although at some point I felt her stumbling across me in an effort to get off the bed, and at least once I heard her meowing a bit somewhere off to my left.

When I awoke this morning I looked for her, and found her stiff, cold and lifeless, lying mostly between my nightstand and the bed.... gone.

My best feline friend, my constant companion for the last 13 years... now in heaven with the love of my life, my other constant companion for the last 7 years.

Might I again repeat the refrain?  "This sucks."

Concern

I've spoken before about my family of cats here, including the Grand Duchess herself, Anastasia (more frequently called Stasia, or various other cutesy nicknames based on her tiny size and exotic beauty)... there's even a picture of The Tiny One herself embedded in this post.

She's certainly become more eccentric in recent years, as I've detailed in previous posts.  I found the paperwork the other day when going through my filing drawers and realized that she's now a little over 13 years old, and for what must have been the runt of the litter 13 years ago, she's had a long life (including motherhood). 

The last week or so, though, I'm starting to worry about her a bit.  She's not behaving like herself.  I've been through the process of losing a pet to illness before - 13 years ago, in fact, I adopted Stasia the day after my beloved George passed away - and I've seen how expensive vet bills can be.  I'm not planning to take her to the vet, unless her behavior begins to translate into messes I can't deal with. 

I can handle cleaning up the carpet on my side of the bed, where she seems to cough up a hairball or throw up a little bit nearly every day.  She did it at least once a week for the last several years anyway, and that's why I have a carpet steamer.

A week or so ago, she started meowing a lot, for apparently no reason, quite piteously.  After a day or two of that, she seemed to go back to normal but has been quite insistent about getting her canned food, and wanting it multiple times a day.  At first I refused, but after watching her try to eat the dry food yesterday, it occurred to me that she's getting quite a lot older, and her little teeth and jaws might not be able to handle the dry food very well. 

I've started giving her two of the small cans of Fancy Feast now, but today she barely touched it, and
has been drinking a lot of water, lying around and then suddenly starting her raspy, worrisome cries again.  When she walks, she seems to be unsteady on her feet.  She went into the bathroom with me earlier and lay down in the litter box (which is someplace she's tried to avoid for the last year or two because Bagheera likes to try to trap her inside it, resulting in a small litter box in my closet for her use when she's scared). 

She's still lying in the litter box, a bit of litter stuck to her nose, blinking at me when i try to talk to her.  So yes, I'm concerned.

I'm concerned she may be in pain - she's been so thin and bony for years now, it's hard to tell if she's lost weight but it seems she may have.  Perhaps losing Jason has taken its toll on her too, although if any of the cats would be inconsolable at losing their kitty-daddy it would be Kate, she joined our family while Hubby was out of work and bonded with him during the hours he was the only one home with her.

In any event, there's this nagging little voice in my head telling me that I'm about to lose Stasia, perhaps she has some sort of cancer eating at her.  If she is in pain, I'm sure it would be better to take her to the vet (although the last thing i want is to spend hundreds of dollars on vet bills just to find out what's wrong with her >.<).  I'm just... not ready to have them tell me it would be merciful to put her to sleep.

God, I'm so not ready for that.  I've had to make what boils down to pretty much that exact decision - with far more wrenching consequences - already in the recent past, and I can't face doing it again to my sweet little cat who used to comfort me in the years before I met Hubby-head.  She would get in my face and lick the tears from my eyelashes when I was crying in my loneliness and heartbreak.

Ah, there go the tears again.  At least she came out of the litter box while I was sitting on the bathroom floor sobbing.   

Oh please, God.  Not this... not now.